FAMILY MATTERS: QUESTIONS & ANSWERS 

Question:

I have a child with autism that requires much attention and care. He is young and so are the rest of my children. I am afraid that caring for him might hurt the others in the future. Is this fear vindicated? The other kids love him, and he’s an easy-going boy, but I am concerned for the future.

Response:

Dear Brave Mother,

First, I want you to know how much I respect you. You are a caring, thinking, and involved parent who wants to do all you can on behalf of your children in the present and the future.

Your question is very important, relating first and foremost to the domain of Emunah – faith in Hashem, faith that He is our Father, who loves us and takes care of us and believes in us at all times. He is by your side, accompanying you in every choice and decision and creating the reality that is best for you.

Having a child with autism does not hurt you or your family. Hashem is the origin of all goodness, and if this, too, came from Hashem, then it cannot be that your children will be inevitably harmed by the situation.

You ask whether caring for a child with autism might hurt the other kids – a question that comes up, in its own way, in virtually every family. All of us sometimes have a child that requires special attention. Does it necessarily hurt the other children? The answer, as most mothers eventually learn, is that it doesn’t. Special attention given to one of the children is not hurtful, but rather part of the healthy dynamic of every family.

Every child has his own, individual path, and Hashem trusts us to care for every child according to his unique path. Chanoch le’naar al pi darko. Diversity among siblings is the very beauty of a family. Parenting is the art of supporting children in all their variety – not in designing them to be the same, but in giving them the ability and power to develop in different ways. They need have nothing more in common than their family name. One needs a certain food, another certain clothing, and a child with autism needs more attention. This is what a family is about. 

When parents are caring, know how to pause for reflection, and are attentive to the different needs of every child, the kids feel they have a secure place in their parents’ hearts. Attention is not measurable because every child needs something else. It is the place a child has in his or her parents’ heart – a place that cannot be measured by time or effort.

This is a basic principle in parenting. Whoever gets more gifts, attention, whatever, is not more loved. Very much not. The kids know it too, they feel it. The main thing is the attitude. Once parents confidently give whatever level of attention is necessary for every child, according to his or her needs (which change, of course, over time), kids will feel the safety, the calm, and the internal peace that their parents grant them.

Your family situation, the number of children and the existence of a child with autism, are a given. It isn’t up to you. One of your children obviously requires more attention than the others. This is your reality. The faith in Hashem that gave you this role of raising your children also bequeaths power and self-confidence in your choices. It gives you the strength to stop, watch, listen, reflect and continue and to grant each one of the children what he or she needs.

I wish you much peace, happiness, and good health,

Tamar Pfeffer