Family Matters: Q & A

Question

I have seven children, four are married. My son is in yeshiva and isn’t home a lot. My issue is with the two younger girls, one is 18, and the other is 16.

I mainly have a hard time with the older girl. She is very angry with me and hardly talks to me, though I don’t see any reason for this. I try to ask her what she’s angry about and to make things better, but she doesn’t answer. 

She used to ask for large sums of money, and I didn’t always give her what she wanted. Today, she isn’t ready to take a shekel from me. I feel she says to herself: “You don’t give me what I want, so I don’t want anything.” I wrote her a special blessing for her birthday and gave her some, but she returned it. The atmosphere at home is very unpleasant and affects my younger daughter. 

I should note that my husband has a good and easy-going relationship with the children and also generally gives them whatever they want. Today, however, she’s angry even with him. It’s a package deal. My question is how to react, how to manage the situation, and how to deal with things she does that I consider unacceptable – for example, her dress code isn’t up to our standards. What do I do? 

Thanks so much. 

Response

Dear Mother, 

Thank you for the candid and important question.

You raise a number of points, and clearly, it is a somewhat complex situation. I’ll try to give a single answer or approach, however, because everything links to one branch, one source. That source is very simply: giving. More precisely: unconditional giving, giving without expecting anything in exchange. Matnat chinam.

I want to highlight one sentence in your question: “I feel she says to herself: ‘You don’t give me what I want, so I don’t want anything.’” The key to unraveling your situation is in this simple line.

Children need unconditional love. It is an existential need. We, as parents, express this with unconditional giving, matnat chinam. When our children are young, it is clear to us that we give our children unconditionally, “for nothing.” As infants, it is clear to us that the giving is pure, clean of any profit motive. 

Over time, our giving is liable to change phase. We get tired of giving. We expect to receive something in return. We sometimes even feel our children are blackmailing us. And suddenly, the kids themselves have a say: “That’s it? So I don’t want anything.” This is exactly the time to reflect on our gift: Is it a “real gift”? Is it a matnas chinam?

A matnas chinam has a very clear basic rule: it has to be for free. As a mother, I decide what to give, when to give, to whom to give, and how much to give. I control the giving. It doesn’t depend on what the child wants but on what I want to give him or her (I can, of course, take his wishes into account, but out of my own free choice).

When my giving is true, I don’t depend on the child’s response. Even if my child is angry about my giving, it remains a true gift because I chose to give it regardless of the reaction. “This is what I wanted to give you. It’s waiting for you. When you want, you can receive it.”

As we work on our giving, our kids need to work on their receiving. They need to learn to accept to receive rather than to take. A child who takes is a child who always asks, demands, and does not allow me to give him at all. My every giving comes as a response to his request, and if I don’t give in the way and manner he demands, he gets angry. This is no longer a true, free gift. I don’t have any freedom in giving but am rather bound to the child’s will.

Take, for example, a woman who constantly asks her husband for jewelry so that every purchase of jewelry is a response to her demands. Such a woman does not know how to receive; all she does is take. She does not know the sweet taste of receiving, and the gifts cannot fill the void of giving and love. Only a matnas chinam can fill the void she feels. 

It is the same with our kids. A child who constantly demands does not allow himself to receive. It will also be difficult for his parents to give him a real gift, a free gift. True giving needs to come from the giver and within appropriate boundaries. Giving without boundaries is not giving at all; it is simply extortion. 

In your daughter’s case, it seems to me that the issue of giving and receiving is poorly defined and certainly lacking clarity. As soon as it becomes clear to you, you will also be able to convey it to her – whether by words or by your confidence in your actions.

Find opportunities for true giving. It could be a birthday, but perhaps it’s even better on just a regular day when you can give her a matnas chinam, a gift “just because” that nourishes her existential need for love – her “black hole.”

Let’s say you give her money, but she returns it to you. You can “reset” it to a matnas chinam by saying: “I give it to you from the bottom of my heart, and I’m keeping it on the shelf; it’s waiting for you.” This formulation ensures that you’re not hurt by her not receiving the gift because your giving is still there, awaiting her receipt; you achieve what you wanted to achieve.

Over time, she will learn how to receive, and you’ll learn how to give. 

Your husband gives the children what they want, yet she is still angry with him. This is because true giving is not about giving kids “what they want.” Such giving does not fulfill the child’s need for matnas chinam and ahavas chinam. A matnas chinam, one fully directed at the child, has to come within the boundaries appropriate for that child. Absent the boundaries, infinite gifts cannot be a vehicle for love.

You mentioned in your question that you don’t know how to respond to matters that are “unacceptable” at home (such as modesty standards). It seems to me that your daughter has entered a swamp, a mental position in which she stands up to you and does things against you. In trying to give her unconditional gifts, solely for the sake of giving (make a record for yourself to ensure you give daily gifts, which can also be verbal: “Look, I made you your favorite soup”), she will feel that you are with her. You want to give even if she is unready to receive.

The fact that she did not receive the gift does not invalidate it. It doesn’t place you in an angry or resentful position. You remain in the “giving” state of mind, expressing pure and unconditional love. Our children thus feel they have a place in their parents’ hearts. They think about her, want to give her, and love her unconditionally. These feelings, wherever you are, will keep her close to you.

I have described a process, not an overnight fix. It takes time. But provided the direction is positive, the process itself can be a source of joy and well-being – which is what I wish you with your daughter and in all your relationships.

Best wishes and good luck,

Tamar Pfeffer