Question:

My oldest son is 16.5 years old and his teenage years have been very challenging. He conceals things from us and lies. He doesn’t keep promises to come home on time and doesn’t bother calling to update us about where he is and when he’ll return. How do you get to a situation where he takes responsibility on the one hand and on the other hand doesn’t hide and lie? Thank you so much.

Answer:

Dear Cherished Mother,

Thanks for the question, which I studied several times. It took me a while to feel it out as a single unit.

Several issues arise. There’s the concealment issue. There’s responsibility. In addition, you also mention lying. Ultimately, they are all related, of course.  

I’ll start from hiding. The opposite of hiding is sharing. Sharing is like a language, acquired through an environment. Sharing parents have sharing children: the home, as it were, speaks “sharing.” English-speaking parents have English-speaking children and parents who share have sharing children. 

Sharing begins with the simplest things: I missed a bus and was late to work; I forgot an ingredient and the cake flopped; today’s shopping was great. It also includes more complex matters: someone insulted me at school; I misbehaved towards the teacher; I don’t like to Daven. A parent cannot decide how his child will share, when and how much. A parent can take responsibility for the learning process, while the results are not in his hands.

Responsibility, too, involves a similar process. Like sharing, it’s acquired rather than taught. As soon as a parent expresses trust in a child, the child experiences a sense of responsibility and can rise to the challenge. Parents, however, must be  ready to release and delegate, allowing kids to take responsibilities.

For example, a parent might transfer responsibility to a child for preparing breakfast. To do so, he needs to let go and stop giving reminders that time’s running out. Only when the child is allowed to fail, forget, and go hungry will he experience the responsibility and learn from the process.

How responsible will the child be? As with sharing, the outcome is not up to parents. We’re responsible for the learning process and not the results.

The same priniciple applies for lying. When a parent has a clear picture of desired results he unintentionally invites the child to lie. Parents tend to have this clear image, but the child is independent and sometimes has a different picture in mind. This is intensified during adolescence, when he begins to develop his own opinions, examine, criticize and build himself.

When a child doesn’t meet parents’ expectations, he often has no choice but to embellish reality. In other words, to lie. Parents expect the child to share events and experiences: a test at school, a relationship with a rebbi, feelings about a Shidduch, and so on. On the other hand, the child does not speak the “language of sharing” and is just not interested. To get out of the quagmire, he simply lies: the test was canceled.

So how do you get to a situation where a child takes responsibility and does not hide and lie?

The answer involves a change in approach. You don’t “get to a situation” but rather start a process. The principle of taking responsibility is thus conveyed slowly, gradually, and with much trust and letting go. We give him love and connection and accept him with his failures and falls. He is in a learning process. Since the focus is on the process and not on the result, and the process by definition includes falls and mistakes, the need to lie fades on its own. 

I want to emphasize, in conclusion, that as parents we have a duty to clarify boundaries (even in adolescence) and enforce them. At the same time, it’s always best to make joint decisions with older children on when to come home. They have an opinion, too, and it’s right to respect them. 

Even the boundaries, however, are the foundation for a process, a learning curve that takes place within the boundaries set by the parents. The trust you give your child, including the possibility of failures, gives him a sense of responsibility and reduces the urge to lie.

Wishing you much joy in the process!

Tamar Pfeffer