Family Matters Q & A
Question
Hello, and thanks so much for the opportunity to ask. I have two questions.
- My husband (a second marriage for both of us), has an eight-year-old child, while I have a three-year-old child who is somewhat spoiled. It bothers my husband that everything around my child becomes an argument and a dialogue – generally, I’m a softer type, and he is firmer. What do we do? How do we cope?
- The eight-year-old boy has been having a hard time with his new brother and behaves a little badly towards him. He insults him, disrespects him, and so on. This creates a distance between myself and my husband’s child. Added to this, the older boy is having a hard time with our house rules, and I feel like the bad guy.” What can we do?
Response
Thank you very much for your question. Your responsibility and care to seek the good and the right are very evident.
Marital relationships can be challenging. It is certainly easier to raise a child alone so that there’s no alternative approach to handle, no other opinions to grapple with, no objections. But Hashem created the world in His wisdom so that most families have two parents. And two parents = two opinions, two approaches.
The first gain you make from having another voice in the house is providing an example to the children on how to deal with different attitudes and different opinions. As an exercise, perhaps think to yourself whether you’re able to hear another side, to sometimes submit to the other opinion, and to critique quietly, calmly, and respectfully. Or do you find that your opinion is decisive, and you force it on others who disagree?
Another gain is that often there is something to what the other side is saying. Perhaps Hashem sent you a messenger, in the form of your husband, to teach you something?
You write that you are softer, and your husband behaves more firmly. Both ways are “correct,” each in the appropriate dose. In general, up to the age of six, there is no need to engage in dialogue and explanations with a child. At such a tender age, too many words are just confusing. At the same time, too much talk weakens a parent, who needs to be defensive. Bedtime is at 7:00 PM because that’s bedtime and not because of ten reasons that might (and might not) convince your son.
If you feel that you deal gently with the child while your husband is firmer, that’s okay for both of you. There is room for both approaches. Do not convey disapproval and opposition to your husband when he’s too strong in your opinion because this will be felt by the child, who will then oppose your husband. If you can, allow him to behave with the child in his own way (of course, when this is within normal boundaries and does not border on abnormal behavior).
If you feel that you’re simply unable to see such interactions without disapproving, just leave the room, clear the space for your husband, and believe in him that Hashem has given him the authority to act as a father.
Concerning your second question, adaptation is a process, and processes require time. They also involve failures and mistakes. As soon as you understand and accept the child’s process, including the failures, the situation will no longer create a distance between you and the child but rather an understanding of his process. At the same time, you, too, are also going through a process. Let yourself be in the process, make mistakes sometimes, get used to it and move on.
You write that you feel like the “bad guy” in the story because you introduced house rules into the child’s life. If it is clear to you that you’re seeking the best interests of the child, and a house without rules will simply not function as a home, then you won’t feel bad about enforcing the rules. There’s nothing bad about that. It all depends on your perspective and personal definition. You’re not the bad guy; you’re the mother.
I very much hope that Hashem will guide you on your new path with joy, love, and the Shechina among you!
