Question

Our 16-year-old son studies at an excellent yeshiva, Baruch Hashem. Several months ago, he stopped talking to us. Just stopped. We don’t know the reason, but he went through a period when he had a very hard time getting up in the mornings.  We spoke to him quite bluntly about it. He was probably hurt. We also took away his blanket in the mornings when he didn’t get up, which made him very irritated. 

Until then, he was just a really good boy – a gentle and highly sensitive child who would sometimes cry in pressured situations. Quiet but very stubborn. It should be noted that he is at home, sleeps at home, and studies well in yeshiva. On occasion, though, he stays in bed until noon. 

What can we do?

Response

Very Dear Parents,

I greatly appreciate your question. Your desire for the good and the right is evident. I’ll start with some general background to my response.

Hashem created humanity as a wonderful creation that also has a dark side evident in harmful expressions and negative emotions such as jealousy, competitiveness, laziness, and arrogance. This is true for every person. Parents have a dark side that they need to recognize and with which they need to work. So do children.

Did Hashem make a mistake in bestowing us with these darker aspects? Not at all. They are part of our lives, providing us opportunities for growth and development and allowing us the joy of making progress. A person cannot simply erase his darker sides but needs to acknowledge that they are part of him and work with them in moving forward. The first step is this simple recognition.

How can a child be taught not to hate these negative parts within himself? The answer is that parents have a duty to transmit love – not hatred – even towards the challenging parts. Children internalize messages about themselves first and foremost from their parents. They will treat themselves the same way their parents treat them.

The feeling that came to me while reading the question is that everything was fine as long as your son was a “really good boy.” However, when darker sides began to appear – getting up late, behaving inappropriately towards parents – then your appreciation for your son, and perhaps even the love you showed him, were somehow damaged.

When a child feels he’s loved for his good behavior and actions, his encounter with his dark sides makes him hate himself. He feels that these elements of his personality prevent others from loving him. When he fails to be loved by others, he stops being loved even by himself. This leads to a loss of joy, vitality, and life; everything begins to go wrong.

What should a parent do when he notices that his child has trouble getting up in the morning, for example? First and foremost: love him just the way he is. When a child feels unconditionally loved, he feels positive about himself and has the strength to move forward.

I can understand the frustration when a child stays in bed in the morning. We want to fix him. But change will come from love. A parent can tell his child: “I understand your difficulty. When I was young, I experienced it, too. Don’t worry. It’s a passing phase.” This sends the child positive vibes of love and acceptance, giving him strength to move on. 

Your question emphasizes that your son likes to stay home, which is a real positive. If he’s connected to the home, despite the baggage he’s carrying, this demonstrates the strong, positive, and loving relationship you enjoy. But what else can be done? 

There is no magic solution. Your son is already grown up and will make his own choices. You can’t force him to talk.. But you, as parents, are responsible for your part, which is showing him unconditional love – even when he refuses to speak.

Daven for love. A prayer for something so deep and central as love will not return empty-handed. You can also work on small acts of giving. Feel for him, with an open and compassionate heart. He’s in a mess, and you need to be stable and strong and loving to help him get through it. Recall the times when he was younger, when love may have been more free-flowing. And talk about love, even if he doesn’t reciprocate. Do anything and everything that arouses unconditional love on your part.

This is the parent’s side of things, which is the only one you’re responsible for. How does it affect your child? This depends on him, and you’ll have to go at his pace. Surely, however, your unconditional love will have a positive effect.

A no-less-important point in the labor of love is a parent’s work on him- or herself. You wrote that you spoke bluntly to your son. You took his blanket, and he was hurt. It may be that you think you were too firm, which is now a dark patch in your own psyche. Now is the time to make peace with it, to forgive yourselves. Yes, perhaps we were angry and too firm, but this will be a learning experience from which we will grow and develop.

Sending your question itself is an act of learning, part of a process, and part of self-forgiveness. Humans are imperfect creatures by design, not by accident. We all fall, and the call to greatness urges us to learn from the experience and move forward. Do not resist and cover over mistakes; use them as an engine for growth.

I wish you much love and peace between yourselves, with the children, and with Hashem. May the Shechinah shine in your home.

Tamar Pfeffer