As we launch into Adar – the happy month – let’s take a moment to investigate what gets in the way of our happiness and how we can refrain from passing negativity on to our children. Or at least try. 

As a young mum, I attended a class on ‘Under 5s’ by the renowned Rebbetzin Deena Weinberg. Her claim was that children under 5 are quite naturally happy – except for the fact that another mum in the audience had in her care a miserable 4- year-old. And so an argument ensued. 

“I’m telling you they’re naturally happy,” said the Rebbetzin. 

“Well, I’m her mother, and I’m telling you she’s miserable,” countered the mother.

Back and forth they went, theory battling against experience. Until the Rebbetzin said, “I think we may be missing something here. Does your child have allergies?” Actually, her child did have allergies, and the mother went on to describe what the child can’t eat. The Rebbetzin said the child isn’t getting enough vitamin B1 and that  vitamin deficiencies are getting in the way of the child’s natural happiness. “Get her some vitamin B1, and she’ll return to her natural state,” she said.

So why are children naturally happy, and what goes wrong as we grow up? And how does Adar in specific help us increase in happiness should we choose to focus correctly? 

During the month of Adar, we have auspicious access to recognizing Hashem’s hand in everything, especially behind the scenes. Let’s see how this works. Children are naturally trusting. They play the role of child; we are supposed to play the role of responsible adult. They leave the question of whether things will turn out okay to us. When supper is late, they don’t wonder whether it’s going to come at all. They trust it will come. When we take a wrong turn in the car, they don’t doubt that we will find our way. And even when we fail, they don’t question. They trust us.

As children grow up, they start gaining some control. But control becomes controlling when we leave Hashem out of our planning. If there is a gap between the way a situation is and the way we think it is supposed to be, the gap gets filled with a drain. And that’s the happiness drain. 

If we develop so much need for control that there’s no room for Hashem’s plans – no allowance for Hashem’s plans to be better than our own – we have overshot our goal to become responsible partners with Hashem. Instead, we become controlling planners, despite Hashem. Goodbye, Hashem. Goodbye, happiness. 

Should we grow in responsibility? Yes. Should we become adults who have control and make plans? Of course! But should that mean that we alone fill the space? No. Because when we relegate Hashem (call in emergency only), we have removed our ability to see Hashem’s hand. And then we’re on our own – inflexible, terrified, and miserable. 

So how do we instill the correct balance in our children? We do so by allowing for Hashem’s plans all the way through life, by letting our kids see that we make plans but also trust when hashgacha changes them. We show our children that we’re open and welcoming of Hashem’s interference, that we trust Him. 

When we live without distinguishing between the way it is and the way it’s supposed to be, we don’t freak out when the unexpected happens. In this way, we model for our children that we are responsible parents, but we also trust Hashem. When we model the trust in Hashem that our ‘under 5s’ modeled to us, we close the happiness drain.