FAMILY MATTERS: QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Question:

My husband constantly needs me to tell him what to do. He doesn’t do any household chores of his own accord and neither does he take any initiative with our daughter of six months old. I give endlessly of myself, and he always says that I don’t appreciate him, which is untrue. I do appreciate him, but it annoys me that he turns a blind eye to things. Can you suggest anything to help?

Response:

Dear Questioner,

Thanks very much for your question. I will try to focus it, and, b’ezras Hashem, to offer some assistance.

On the one hand, we have your husband, who “constantly needs you to tell him what to do.” On the other hand, we have you and your constant giving: “I give endlessly of myself.”

The answer to your predicament is found in these sentences, as I’ll try to explain. When a person wishes to give something to somebody – a gift, assistance, a compliment  – the recipient needs to be in the position of a receiver. There is an art to receiving, which is an acquired character trait that needs refining. This is in contrast to taking, which is built into human nature. (“Man is born as a wild donkey.” (Iyov 11:12.)) To go from taker to receiver, a person has to go through a learning process. A taker demands from the other; a receiver accepts that which the giver wishes to give.

Take, for example, a case in which your mother bought you a birthday gift that you don’t need. If you are in the receiving position, you will accept the gift and appreciate the giving itself. If your neighbor baked you a cake for Shabbos, you’ll appreciate the gesture even if it’s not your favorite cake. 

The giver’s duty is to expand himself and think about others. The receiver needs to adapt himself to the gift or assistance he received, to receive the giver rather than to receive the gift alone. Some people have more giving power than others and might have difficulty allowing themselves to receive. Others have a stronger receiving muscle. At the end of the day, each one of us needs both. We all give, and we all receive.

It seems to me that you are the giving type. You give a lot. In keeping with this, it’s hard to give to you. You ensure that everything is arranged and organized according to your own plan. You know better than anyone how to run the house and what the baby needs. If your husband gives to you, he needs to do so according to your taste. (“It annoys me that he turns a blind eye to things.”)

A person who wants to give but receives only criticism in return will eventually stop giving. (“He doesn’t do any household chores on his own accord.”) Your need to tell him what and how to do blocks him from giving.

You need to constrain yourself to an internal motion of receiving. Allow him to give as he understands giving and accept that this is fine, providing, of course, that no harm will be caused to the baby. Your baby has a father and a mother, and it is no coincidence that they are two different people. Everyone has different preferences, different tastes, different sizes. Nobody is perfect.

Of course, you shouldn’t discount engaging in a mature conversation with your husband and synchronizing your positions. You can tell him how you prefer him to arrange the room or when to put the baby to bed. But when you allow him to help you – something that will certainly enrich and deepen your relationship – be in a receiving position. Humble yourself. Allow him to do things his way. Trust him, believe in his ability, and compliment and highlight the positive aspects of what he does.

I wish you much progress and growth in the process, and may you find much joy and contentment along the way.