When you’re giving a ride to a bunch of little kids, it’s easy to spot the chutznik. It’s usually the one that stops to say toda rabba rabba, while all the others have obliviously scrambled out the car.
What’s odd is that should you give a ride to an adult Israeli, be prepared to be showered with berachos. By the time they are out of the car, you will have collected nachas, simcha, health and prosperity and more for you, your family and your unborn great grandchildren.
When does the gratitude lever get pulled, I often wonder?
Talking of manners, I remember being extremely confused as a small child when a beloved aunt of mine told me off for saying please too often (no, she’s not from the UK, obviously). We’re family, she told me, why are you treating me like a stranger with all your formalities? I did not gain much from this interaction at the time. She was telling me off for saying please! I was unable to integrate that into any part of my understanding of how things worked!
But I did learn, eventually, that cultures differ and that manners and gratitude are not the same.
When a bratty child who asks rudely for a piece of cake is told to say the magic word and then gets the cake, they have experienced a lesson in manners, not gratitude. If a child asks nicely for something, it’s neither the lack nor the presence of certain words that determines whether they are speaking nicely.
Nor should we only insist on our children asking nicely when we have decided to grant them their request. If a child says, I want that cake, the appropriate response is to tell them to upgrade how they ask. It’s irrelevant whether you’re going to say yes or no. You can ask them to ask nicely and still say no. The lesson is in how you speak, not how you get me to give to you. And speaking nicely is not entirely determined by a magic word. After all, “Could I have some cake?” Is probably better said than “I want that cake…. Please”.
As chutznik parents, we are sometimes a little thrown by the lack of manners our children are learning. But maybe we ought to look past the cultural differences and focus on the values.
If the price of having children who communicate honestly, who understand what’s important, who grow up to be grateful adults who know how to shower blessing, perhaps the forgoing of a little British please or an American thank you here and there is a price worth paying.
