Who do you love more? Your spouse or your children? I have asked this question to many couples when feeling slightly mischievous. The couple look at each other and wonder what to do next. It’s that “I’ll raise my hand if you do” moment. Ultimately, after the awkward moment has passed, most couples will confess that they love their children more. 

It’s not that we actually love our kids more than we do our spouse. It’s that we love them differently. Understanding the nature of the difference, however, can teach us an important lesson. 

The love we have for our children is a compulsion. We love our children before they’re born, we love them before they are cute, before they smile, before we know them. We love them when they’re selfish, thankless babies and when they’re ungrateful teens. We love them for nothing that they have done to warrant that love. Try explaining why you love your child: any reason that you come up with will simply fall short. It will not cut it. It will not be enough to justify the feelings that you have for them. 

The truth is, we love them because they are extension of ourselves. The Torah teaches us to love others as we love ourselves. Notice that the Torah doesn’t command that initial self-love. It assumes it. 

The love we have for ourselves (even if it’s mired with some bad self-talk and some low self-esteem here and there) is the reason we get offended when people insult us, the reason we get upset when people misjudge us, and the reason we try to protect ourselves when people are hurting us. It’s part of our selfish nature to feel self-love. Even when people self-harm, G-d forbid, it is usually in order to achieve a sense of relief from a deeper pain. 

Since our children are extensions of ourselves, it stands to reason that the same force that creates our self love drives the love we have for our children. It is a love born from compulsion. There’s very little you can do about it. 

The love we have for our spouses is something entirely different. Our relationship with our spouse is one of a spiritual nature. And the realm of the spiritual is such that our experience of it will depend on our choices. 

We can get it right, but we can also get it wrong. We can grow in it, we can fail in it. 

Our marriages are not functions of compulsion but of decisions, commitments, and bechira. How much love can we experience in them? The sky is the limit.

How much effort are you willing to invest? How favourably are you willing to judge your spouse? How much are you willing to give to your relationship? How much are you willing to receive from your relationship? Do you prioritize your marriage? Are you willing to be humble and grateful? 

How much you love your spouse has not been decided by nature. It is not a compulsion. It’s a choice. The key is remembering that the real answer to the question of how much love can inhere in our marriage is… It’s entirely up to us.