Culture plays a large role in how we refer to our children
It wasn’t until I came to Israel in my seminary year that I heard a small child referred to as a tzaddik. I had grown up in the UK, admittedly land of the understatement, yet we certainly knew what tzaddikim were. We had books about them. We heard stories about them. I had grown up with an understanding of tzaddikim as figures larger than life, the likes of Reb Aryeh Levin. Yet, this little boy seemed to somehow earn this title by simply putting his plate in the sink. Had he washed it up as well, would that have graduated him to gedol hador?
To my mind, the accolade was shocking but also sweet. It had a tone of pureness and torah-consciousness that “sweetie pie” and “darling” didn’t quite achieve. And, of course, there was the story of the Israeli child who attributed the fact that he’d grown up and become religious to the fact that his secular father had always called him “tzaddik sheli.” Maybe there was something to this.
Culture plays a large role in the way we refer to our children. On the one hand, you’re creating an aspiration. But on the other hand, if you’re stating an accomplishment, are you just setting the bar too low? This is a cultural difference that stands out in the grade-marking system of different countries.
In America, for example, an excellent student wants to see as many 100’s on his report card as possible. 99’s are great, and 98’s are also very very good. But 92’s are disappointing, and a drop into the 80’s is embarrassing for a top student. The message? You can reach the top. You can achieve your highest goal. You’re almost there and you can get there!
In England, though, the highest grade is an A. Getting an A means you have accomplished excellence. Yet, you can actually get an A with a grade of about 70% for your English composition. Getting 70 means that you did fantastically well! Your writing is truly excellent! Should you receive 74, you might seriously consider becoming a professional writer. You are exceptional. But there’s another, more subtle message: there’s no such thing as 100. There’s always room for improvement. Even Shakespeare would have received 90 and that would have been unheard of. Keep striving. Keep improving.
Cultural differences are fascinating. “Everybody can be a winner! You just have to try!” versus “You can do well but don’t get ahead of yourself. Excellence is an earned title and there’s always room for betterment.”
So the culture war wages on and my jury is out on whether to tzaddik or not to tzaddik, but I’ll leave you with some pointers:
- The words we say are clues to our children about what we value.
- In a world where our Jewish culture is threatened, choosing a term that has a Jewish feel is another opportunity to inculcate our culture in our homes.
- When you compliment your children, make sure they don’t feel that they are only as valuable as their actions. It’s their core value they need to feel we love.
- Don’t set the bar too low. Having high aspirations tells them we believe in their capacity to grow and become better.
