You may be surprised to know that learning how to say no has been recognized as one of the most valuable soft skills in today’s workplace. In our fast-paced multitasking world (What else are you doing as you are reading this?) it’s easy to assume that more equals better. Yet research shows that people take too much onto their plate, which results in their being unfocused, inefficient, and experiencing overload. As you read this, consider how easy or hard it is for you to say no to a request. There are people say yes to new projects, responsibilities, and opportunities simply because it’s hard for them to say no. What’s so difficult about turning down an offer? Is it because it’s hard to accept our own limitations or is it too difficult for us to disappoint another who is hoping for our “yes”?
On the flip side, you may have encountered people who have no trouble saying no but leave you with a negative experience from the interaction. Such experiences can often reinforce why being a “yes” person is a preferred path for being a “good person” and having better relationships.
In this week’s parasha Yaakov teaches us how to place firm boundaries and say no in the ideal fashion. Yaakov’s encounter with Esav is a climactic moment. As Yaakov succeeds in foiling Esav’s initial intent to kill him, Esav counters by offering that they travel together as brothers. Yaakov turns down the offer, and we can learn the art of saying no from the way that he does so:
“Thereupon, [Esav] said, ‘Travel and we will go, and I will go alongside you.’ And Yaakov said to him, ‘My master knows that the children are tender, and the flocks and the cattle, which are raising their young, depend upon me, and if they overdrive them one day, all the flocks will die. Now, let my master go ahead before his servant, and I will move [at] my own slow pace, according to the pace of the work that is before me and according to the pace of the children, until I come to my master, to Seir.’”
Yaakov made the decision not to travel with Esav. He knew it was not in his best interests and that he would turn down Esav’s offer. Yet his method of communication is diplomatic. He replies by addressing Esav in a respectful manner (“my master”) and speaks in a language Esav can understand. In essence, he communicates to Esav that turning down his offer is not something personal but it’s simply not practical for him at this time. By doing so, Yaakov is able to set his own firm boundaries without insulting Esav. This ability to establish firm boundaries in a respectful way is the trademark of Yaakov – the trait of tiferes, or having balance.
You can learn from Yaakov how to apply this to your own workloads and relationships. To remain productive we must know how to place firm boundaries on what we can and cannot do. Saying yes because you are afraid to say no is not a virtue. Yet knowing how to turn down an offer with masterful communication is the key to mutual understanding and avoiding unnecessary strain in your relationships.
