Dealing with the ‘what’ before we deal with the ‘how’

Arguing can sometimes look like a game of table tennis. I send a comment your way, you throw one back at me, I respond to the attack with a quick retaliation, then you counter, and before you know it the ball has been sent way off the table and the game is lost.

How many rounds does it take for an argument to escalate? Three? Four?

By the time the escalation is at full peak, the subject matter has often gone way off topic. How did we get from “did you pick up the dry cleaning?” to “I’m sick and tired of how much you take me for granted!” or from “how’s the soup?” to “stop wishing I was your mother!”. 

Life can be stressful. High pressure and good middos don’t love sharing the same space. So here’s a small insight and tip to help us stick with the conversation and minimize the devastation. 

Generally, a conversation that becomes an argument has two aspects: A ‘what’ and a ‘how.’ If I liked what you said and I liked how you said it, that’s not going to turn into an argument. Watch where things go wrong. 

You look great! (good what, good how) 

Response: Thank you! 

You look great? (good what, bad how) 

Response: You don’t sound so sure, are you saying you’re surprised? 

You look terrible? (bad what, good how) 

Response: I know, it’s been a hard day

You look terrible! (bad what, bad how) 

Response: Well that’s nice! All I needed to hear to finish off a disastrous day. 

It’s not just what we say that impacts what happens. How we say it plays a big role. But here’s the thing: we often get defensive about how a person says something as a way of maintaining our ground when we feel under attack. We simply avoid paying attention to what is being said, and the topic itself is conveniently swept aside as the accusee becomes the accusor. 

So when you ask, “were you late for the kids again?” instead of dealing with the ‘what,’ which is the kids’ pick up in this case, I can totally deflect the conversation by picking on the how and turning the blame on you: “You always assume I’m irresponsible! What kind of question is that?”. Notice, I haven’t dealt with the question at all. 

And now the argument ensues. 

To get through a conversation successfully, tend to the what and then the how. 

“I was on time.” Or perhaps, “I was five minutes late and I feel bad about it” (that’s the “what”). 

And then…. “I know it frustrates you that I can be late, but the way I heard the question is very disempowering. I’d appreciate you wording the question in a way that doesn’t assume the worst” (that’s the how). 

Once the what has been dealt with directly, we can upgrade our communication by fine-tuning the how. But when the focus on the how becomes a way of avoiding the what, an argument is almost inevitable.