Family Matters: Q & A

Question:

Hi, my question concerns my children’s responsibility for their schoolwork. When they come back from school, I encourage them to do their homework and prepare their schoolbags for tomorrow. However, they only do those things if I sit next to them and supervise them.

I feel as though this is my responsibility and if I won’t remind them they won’t do it. Maybe they’ll remember late at night when they need to go to sleep. But I know that it should be their responsibility, not mine. How do I remove from myself a responsibility that belongs to someone else? Please advise.

Thank you so much.

Response:

Dear Mother,

I was very happy to read your question. It was honest, caring, smart, and relevant for every parent. I’ll start with a few words about responsibility and then approach the specific issue.

Responsibility depends on education, not on age. If your ten-year-old son still doesn’t make his bed in the morning, and you finally believe it’s about time he does so, you can’t suddenly expect him to carry out this task perfectly. Responsibility is a process. It takes time.

Responsibility is also a burden for somebody to carry. You defined this well by writing, “How do I remove from myself a responsibility that belongs to someone else?” Once you take responsibility for your children’s homework, it’s impossible for your kids to be responsible for it. The minute you start to let go of your own responsibility, which is a process and not a one-time event, you give them space to begin their own process.

These two points lead to an important insight, which involves making mistakes. Because taking responsibility is a process, it inevitably includes stumbles and errors. Without these, we cannot be in a learning process. You will only be able to relinquish your own responsibility when you come to terms with your children’s mistakes. To allow them to make mistakes is part and parcel of your children’s (and your own) growth and progress.

Beginning the process is important for your children’s education and for their learning how to be productive and responsible. It will do them only good. Tell them it’s time for them to be responsible for their own homework, which is why from today on, as part of the process, you will only give them one reminder during the afternoon. No more reminders afterwards, and no homework after dinner (this is only an example; you, the mother, knows best which rules to apply).

As the process unfolds, by trusting your kids and understanding that mistakes and stumbles are part of their growth process, you will see that eventually even one reminder isn’t necessary. Children want to take responsibility. They will grow into it.

There’s no need for you to sit with them during homework time. Let them know that you did your share of school already, and now it’s their turn. You can and even should be around while they are doing homework, so if a question or a problem comes up you can help them solve it. But the responsibility stays with them. They should be the ones coming to you, and not the other way around.

I wish you good luck with the wonderful process of teaching responsibility!