Fun fact: If you pay attention, you’ll notice how similar the term checkmate is to the Hebrew word for chess, shachmat. And if you pay further attention, you’ll notice that shachmat sounds like sheik met, the king is dead – the objective of the game.

Have you ever been checkmated by one of your children? They ask you a question, and you are stuck. Nowhere to go. The little thing has out-maneuvered you this time.

I remember one such time in particular. “Mummy,” they innocently asked, if I was to [insert whatever misdemeanor/aveirah/crime applicable to your child], would you want me to tell you?” Now what? If I say no, I’m encouraging them to lie and act out behind my back. If I say yes, I’m tacitly giving my permission.

Checkmate.

At that frozen moment in my parenting, I had an ingenious and inspired answer, like a moment of ruach hakodesh. And so I said, “Great question. Can I get back to you on that one?” You think I’m joking about the inspired answer. I’m not. Having the wherewithal not to get drawn into giving an answer you don’t mean in moments like this is crucial.

Then I went to speak to someone older and wiser.  i was fortunate enough to be working on staff with the legendary Rabbi Brown. On his advice, this is what I said to my child.

“I’m ready to answer your question now. Thank you for your patience. (That was my part. Rabbi Brown’s is coming.) If you were to [insert aforementioned misdemeanor/aveirah/crime], I would expect you to tell me. I’m here to talk with you and advise you. But I also want you to know that doesn’t mean you would have my approval.”

Just like that. Checkmate gone. I have two contrary messages here. Instead of being forced into choosing one, I’m going to be true to both. We can hold paradoxes in one space, We can have complex dynamics going on simultaneously. We can be our children’s parents on many fronts, all at the same time. 

I can be my child’s confidante and friend without having to compromise on my standards of right and wrong. I can be my child’s parent and instructor without always having to impose distance and fear.  

Reverence and respect work together. Safety and standards work together. Openness and expectations work together. Love and leadership work together. 

Sometimes different aspects of our role feel like they need to compete with each other, but it’s not always true. As long as we are honest, reasonable, and remain completely focused on providing what our children need from us, we can play multiple roles with united messages in the lives of our children.