Family Matter Q & A

Question

First, many thanks in advance for listening and for your wise counsel. 

I am a mother of five. The eldest is 11, a very sensitive girl with a huge heart but (or therefore) very easily hurt. 

Recently, we have been receiving many complaints, some of them from children who travel with her on the bus, about her being verbally and sometimes even physically aggressive towards them. At the same time, we’ve received complaints from the school about a decrease in motivation for learning and unsatisfactory behavior – she is not being rude or crossing hard boundaries but splashes water on her friends, giggles, chatters in classes, and so on. 

On the other hand, in a parents’ meeting, the teacher described her as a sweet girl with good manners who speaks politely and pleasantly. Teachers even mentioned the attention she gives others. But at home, we certainly know about a lack of control towards brothers, expressed in unkind words and violent and offensive behavior.

So what to do? Should we punish her? How? She really expresses frustration when we express our disappointment with her behavior, as if she’s doing just fine, which is clearly not the case. 

I should note that our daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and aggressiveness, though the teachers at the school say they don’t feel the aggressive side.

Please give me some good advice on this issue.

Response

Very Dear Mother!

When I read your question (and I read it several times), a sentence that might seem less significant caught my eye. “She really expresses frustration when we express our disappointment with her behavior, as if she’s doing just fine.”

Where does this frustration come from?

The frustration comes from our “disappointments.” Our disappointment in the child frustrates us as parents, which passes on to our kids. This is a central point worth dwelling on.

I feel in your question the natural and understandable need as parents to give the situation a positive heading: “A sensitive girl with a huge heart,” or “the teacher describes her as a sweet girl with good manners.” And so on. Just a couple of corrections, and all is good. 

However, the educational process is long, sometimes very long. A child is not molded in the image that parents have in mind. That’s not our job, but rather to accompany him on his own path.

An 11-year-old girl who hurts her siblings, is mischievous in class, and behaves aggressively towards friends doesn’t fit under the heading of bad or disappointing. She doesn’t fit under any heading. She is a child, living, breathing, and dynamic.

A parent who puts his son or daughter under a label, even a positive one, is boxing them in rather than accompanying him or her on their journey. Each of your five children has his own journey, different from that of the others, and your task as parents is to accompany them on the path, which involves a process of growth for you and them together.

It is always good to refrain from labels: My daughter is like this or like that. Rather, my daughter has many shades and sides and has her own path to walk. Her path has ups and downs, just like mine. Going down a descent does not make her worse, just as in ascending, she does not become righteous. She’s simply making progress along her path. If you think and feel this way, your daughter will also learn to think this way about herself. And when things are down – a complaint from school, a problem on the bus, issues with siblings, and so on – she will not see herself as bad or disappointing but as a normal girl who needs to move forward.

Her strength to keep moving forward comes from your love – ahavas chinam, unconditional love. When you hug her or tell her how much you love her, and when this is not contingent on achievement and good behavior, and comes even after you get a complaint from a teacher, she will have the power to transcend labels and go forward. Unconditional love will show her she’s always cherished and wanted. Because of your love, she will learn to love herself, giving her the strength to keep moving forward.

To conclude, you mention that your daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD. I want to note that even if she begins to take medication to help with the condition, all of the above remains relevant to the same degree. The medication might assist as a tool, but it’s the positive attitude – yours and hers – that will ensure she develops and thrives.

I wish you much joy in the process,

Tamar Pfeffer